You Have No Control All The Time... Published on 2/11/15 5:51 AM

Sometimes life hits you hard that u don’t wanna show up. As in you wanna lock yourself up because you just don’t get the drift. YOU just don’t get it!..If it was even possible you’d drop out! Like school, you know? But now when you do it in life you are done! And the funny things most trials come when you are doing so well and are in a good place in your life. And your peace is just disturbed sooo sooo bad. You wanna sleep through the pain and disappointments and accumulate days and hope by the time you wake up, the feeling will be gone.Put life off until you're ready.

Unfortunately it just doesn’t work like that. You wake up with a heavy heart and it is heavy..and you have to go through the days and smile at people eve when you don’t feel like..Because really it’s not their fault that you’re feeling this way. And that’s what I’ve learnt that Pain is part of life..What we need to do is to find a way to traverse the hell..And it’s exhausting..Nobody wants it, press skip Ad! Nobody got time for it but somebody’s got to do it right? And that somebody is you.. So at the end of the day it’s I have to show up..Sad or not it’s got to be done. Life has to be lived..Battles have to be won…otherwise that bed, that bottle is not gonna give you answers.

So I’ll tell you that I reached a point in my life that I was really trying hard to do things the right way..Not perfect..Don’t get it twisted..You even can’t but..to be a good person in general..No 2bob madharaus. Basically just being an example of how you wanna  be treated by others..coz I am a big advocate of treating the next person how you wanna be treated..with respect. If you are good to people they will reciprocate n vice versa..That’s not to say you will not find evil people who don’t give a fuckin fly about anything. That’s their nature. Such you can’t control them, so you keep it moving.

Nway the upside of that kind of living..I call it safe living is almost like walking ahead but looking at your footsteps. You can see where you are going but from the ground..You can’t see up! It’s very unlikely that you will step on anything foreign or even trip on something..But guess what?  You can’t see what’s coming from a bird’s eye view..And you know what happens you will bump into something and your whole body will be in it. It’s quite painful. Kinda like walking looking down then you walk into glass *Bam*..You have no control because you never saw it coming. You were busy tracking your steps. But when your head is up you trust your feet to cooperate but you can’t trust your head to cooperate with your feet when it’s facing down. You have to be aware of your surrounding. Chances are you will trip but you will enjoy the view up there. Don’t be too careful coz u miss out and eventually you realize sometimes somethings are not really upto you.

In a nutshell what I’ve learnt these past weeks is You Have no control ..You can shape the events and that’s the best you can do. From there on you just have to live by trusting that things will go well.

How many times do you find yourself wishing if only I did this or that..This would have never happened. And you keep going over and over and replaying the situation but the worst part is you just can’t..It’s already happened. The best you can do is learn from it so the next time you can shape the outcome just a little bit leaving room for the inevitable. And in life accidents happen all the time not necessarily car accidents but just like car accidents sometimes it’s not about you and your driving..You may follow all the rules on the road, you are not the only one on the road.. how about the other driver? They could be reckless, they could be learning, they could be drunk, they could be looking to end their own life, they could be anything and that contributes to a head on. You could be at the right place at the right time, or the right place at the wrong time or at the wrong place at the wrong time and you easily become the target. And that goes to shows you how in life you can control everything in your life all you want, but you can’t control other people and their actions. We only hope and pray for the best.

It looks alright in the pictures. We're so happy even when we're smiling out of fear.

XO

 ReNa

Keep your Eye On The Prize. 8/28/15 2:06 PM

So today was one of those days I was in my head the entire day. Is that a good thing you ask? It depends on what’s renting space at the moment or living for free. I’ve had like I don’t know 67 emotions on heavy rotation today.  It was a whirlwind cocktail of all the emotions you can think of, nostalgia, disappointment, anger, sadness, hope, laughter you name them.

My day actually started out fine, have you ever just been singing in the mirror looking for what to wear for the day or just going about your day and then BAM! A thought just ambushes you, and not a good thought. And it literally changes your whole mood, you feel the exact same feeling when that particular thing was happening...and u feel so bad in ur heart waaah :-(

And so I always try to just stop the negative thinking but sometimes it’s so strong so u have to pray and ask God to just help u then wait it out. And it just got me thinking how sometimes it doesn’t really matter what you do, part of life is being disappointed, even by people you never expect…to be quite honest I don’t even feel like writing but I said I’ll share because someone else might be going through the same thing.

It’s one thing to put effort and try out something and not get it. Granted there could be many reasons that are even beyond you or even someone else being better than you, and you have to accept that which means you have to double your effort. I am all for that. But then for situations where someone else tries to make you feel like you don’t deserve it or tell you in short that there’s no room for you, meaning it’s only for them or their kind, I don’t even know what kind that is. I’m sure you know what I mean. That’s plain nasty.

But the thing is it’s a different kind of feeling when all along you think something is being done only to find out that it never even crossed over to where it was meant to go. And it got me thinking that human beings really can be selfish. And they never want you to call them out for it. You try to follow up and they become militant and defensive. I believe anyone can be who and what they wanna be! Whether you wanna help or not it’s not in your place to decide what other people deserve. Just because you got to where you are first doesn’t mean no one should try or look down upon others who are trying. And I have noticed it happens  Alooooot esp to people who are trying out new ventures..

No one wants to give you any info even though it has absolutely nothing to do with what they do or will ever do. You will be surprised even so called friends act like you know I wish you all the best just don’t involve me or ask me anything. Basically just being a dog in a manger. And so for me I believe try try and try even though its gonna be blood, sweat and tears because one day it will all be worth it. For those ones who wanna shut you down or think you are being ridiculous for following your dream or just think you are not good enough, pay them no mind and as painful as it maybe, trust me it’s always worth it in the end. So this is to everyone who is struggling and has been made to feel they are less than stellar..keep your eyes on the prize.

And this week I learnt the true meaning of  PERSISTENCE . If you want something fight for it, you might not get it easy like some people do but in the end if you persist you will get it.

I also learnt nothing is impossible, you may meet people who put road blocks just because they think you are getting off easy and didn’t go through what they went through, which really doesn’t make sense.

Because really you don’t know what someone has gone through to be at that particular point.. If you meet people who wanna help thank God for them, because good help doesn’t come easy. For those who don’t want to help let them be. Nobody is ever a one all end all anywhere. Anyone can tell you or promise you anything but very few actually do it or back up their words.They'll just pay you lip service to make themselves look good.

I learnt the true meaning of friendship, when you have a friend who stands by you through thick and thin, returning the favour is a pleasure and a joy.

So talking out of experience I would love to encourage the discouraged, coz I find myself in that funk sometimes. If you want something don’t stop at nothing, in the end its always worth it. Plus it makes you appreciate the effort and for me It makes me never wanna be like the people who disappoint you just because it’s you.. and they think its ok, because she’ll get over it. It makes me wanna assist where I got stuck and someone else assisted. Thanks for those who take time to read my blog, have a lovely weekend.

Love

XO

ReNa

I Am Free

I sit in the middle in silence,

I hold imaginary bars so I don’t crumble down

The waves start rising and slapping on the rocks

I gasp for my breath. Taking deeper and faster breaths

Darkness crawls and creeps in slowly, it’s time.

The storm begins, swaying left and right, tearing walls down.

The waves rise and fall, emotions on a high tide, cutting deep and breaking into pieces

I can feel it flowing, gushing, healing  wounds burst open.

War raging inside,  SOS.. hear  that cry?

Can they see? The  blood? On the calm, pretty outside?

It’s sunny, just how they like it.

Sorry, next time.

No one is around,  No sound, Its cold.

Ooooh All the mean, nasty, harsh.. and bitter words

feel like a drop in the ocean, they are soft to touch, feels like a warm pillow

But even those I can’t hear right now, its pin drop silence

I can feel the eyes, hear the quiet breaths, hiding, waiting.

Am lost, absent, missing, sinking in the moment

The Black thing, only thing I can grab, not so strong but the only thing in sight

Black on white , black on white, black on white

I rise and rise and rise aaaaand rise slowly.

Feet on the ground, the remains underneath messy.

The storm is calm, not really over, but its ok

One step, two step , three steps.

< clap> <clap> <clap> so strong and loud, folded up, too much work to stretch

The whistles, Jeers, smiles…finally the fingers, shame, heads turn the otherside.

The irony…The Audacity…….

I am free.

When drowning the only thing that brings you up is the only thing that matters.

Salvation, People, Voices, Pens, Ropes. Look to that light.

The rest is irrelevant . Fingers, words, stick, stones… that’s darkness, Blind that.

XO

ReNa

                                                           

My Mother, My Bestfriend

Since today is mothers day, I would like to wish all the mothers in the world a happy mothers day. 

As for my Mother i love you more everyday and today i just want to smother you with my love up in here.When I think about you I laugh-LQTM  because you bring me so much joy. I don’t even know where to start, as there’s so much to write. So lets go....

The other day I literally laughed to tears, I had just woken up and opened the door and she was covered in mud,and am like did you decide that now you want to play with mud at your age? until she told me how she fell on her bum n we laughed for half an hr, I was literally in tears. Before you start judging me how dare I? That’s the thing about my Mum, it’s the way she gives you the story and considering she didn’t get hurt it was the funniest shit ever coz she laughs at herself too.

My Mum is my bestfriend, As in for real for real. I have so much love and Respect for her it’s unbelievable, and I will tell you the truth about this amazing ever so wonderful human who is beautiful in and out, has manged to age gracefully and who rocks my freaking world.

 She is funny, very funny and right now i spend the most time with her than anyone else, and i share stuff with her that i never thought i would in a millions years. 

I love hanging out with her, its laughter all the way, and she loooves my silly jokes, she has  the most beautiful laughter, not like some of us. I always just wanna give her stories, from when I was small so she used to call me a chatter box. Up until right now when I imitate my primary school teachers for her she’s usually in tears, I talk to her now like the way I talk to my friends, very dramatic. The only thing I censor is some words coz she’s still my Mother.Just like me, She loves to dance and everytime she finds me playing music she will start dancing oblivious of the music am playing. Its so funny how we can be cleaning and she randomly starts singing and dancing wiz kid's- show me the money <r u gonna dance yo if I show my money >and it kills me. So when i ask her where she know such songs from she's like in the morning when am getting ready there's so much music..ha ha ha 

I have days she tries me and I get away from her real quick, or she finds me doing something and goes ahead to send me for errands, as if what I was doing is of less  importance and when, even now as a grown up I ask why I am told what I used to be told as a child, because I said so or I don’t have to give you an explanation. .\O/ really tho? See how how Mothers get away with so much? I can’t wait to smack my kids with such comebacks. Why? Because....is that even an answer. SMH

Growing up is good, and i always tell my friends that i would want to bring up my children how my mum did. For her it was Parent first then Friend second.We would Play around with her but we knew who is the Boss.

  When growing up I was abit confused about the dynamics of our friendship, but then its because you are young and stupid. I always knew we were pals but then you wait until I do something wrong, she would give me a dog’s ass beating. And I was always left wondering I thought we were friends???? Like you don’t beat your pals. 

P.S.S with My Mum you will go and look for the stick, come back and lie down and wait to receive your strokes for dayses, and don’t make a sound and don’t put your hand in the way of the stick. That running and locking yourself in the room or toilet was a Rumour!

Her promise was anything wrong i did would have repercussions until i learnt my lesson. who wants such promises honestly...lol

Now I will have you know , for those who know her right now  think she can’t harm a fly coz she’s so soft spoken. *Don’t ask where I came from, variety is the spice of life, Sweet n tangy*

 Mmmm she was the full  Mr. Miyagi  you would be forgiven to think she  passed by a college to learn how to straight lace her children, and when I say children its the middle 2 mostly me and my brother.But the amount of beatings I received as a child? Were uuhmm you know.. substantial...

 Now I realise she’s always been soft spoken but then again with Children like us she had to.

 Like i said, It used to be all fun and games until it wasn't Let me just give you sneak preview of one of the many ordeals, a mental picture

So this one time we went for a party at my cousins house without asking for permission, and left my baby sister behind on purpose, we actually planned that we would run p.s.s  we were so obsessed with running, we used to race  and leave her sooo behind she’d have to go back home. The plan worked, but then my bright sister went to play in the mud and later on went to sleep on the sofa with that mud. Meanwhile on the otherside me and my  brothers are getting down at a partay for grownups, I don’t even know why we went coz we were all below 10years and my cousin was like 21. Smh..So he packed for us biscuits and all to take home. At 9 P.M.

Meanwhile at the residence my mother has called my Dad and whoever on the landline to report that  the children are missing. So we come skipping and eating our goodies and I even carried for her and my sis so it’s one of those best days. Mmm smh little did we know what was in store for us. It’s so funny how when I think about it how I was so wrong in so many occasions judging my mum’s mood. So clueless, here I am so happy from a party and have even brought goodies for you, why are you so upset? Shouldn’t we celebrate? You think? Huh.

As I swung the door open , how was my hand, followed by body  not flung into the air?…haaa.. I was a couple feet off the ground, the goodies I was carrying were flying loose in the air, biscuits rolling under the sofas. I can’t even tell you what was happening simultaneously. Just know there was nothing to celebrate anymore, we were beaten silly!!!  For all the reasons you can imagine, running, partying, eating I don’t even know, taking what we were given. Like everything was Bad Manners  which we were lacking. I went back to her 3 hrs later *When ur going back to suck up*  still crying requesting her to push for me the sofas so I could take my biscuits that rolled under with the sweets.  Wasn’t gonna  let them go. After all I might as well enjoy coz I’d paid for my sins. And she did,*push the sofas that is* I offered but she refused to eat with me.  .  Looking at me  like child please!!! I don’t eat stuff from the floor, am not you, and the only reason am letting you is coz I have disciplined you even for that. Everything has pretty much been covered. That's my Mum for you Discipline first, friendship later.

As an adolescent i felt she was out to cramp my style,when I think of all the parties she’d freeze me from going and trying to tame me. I just never understood how nothing seemed  to be right in her eyes.... why did you, who did, when will you people …..Such  times she’d make me so mad that i just wanted to get away from her or how when in Highschool I would write her letters trying to make her feel guilty for taking me to a boarding school and she would reply and tell me to stop writing her such crap and read. <LMAO>..  Because I what I see as problems are not problems to her. Which btw were real problems I was only 14.

 So on Days like today I just wanna appreciate as well as  apologise for being headstrong when all she was doing was out of love. For the times when I get pissed off and Run my mouth, for the times I was Rude, impatient, arrogant and selfish but you still stood firm in your actions and loved me anyway, maybe I did/do  all this because your love in unconditional and for that I will always be forever greatful and I have learnt to be a better person. 

 

Mostly I thank you now for still believing in me after trying out so many things that would make any normal person exhausted, you never tire from  supporting me and my crazy dreams only because you know they make me happy, and for seeing the light at the end of the tunnel even when I don’t.

 For the times I’ve given up the umpteenth time,  you encourage me and show me not only by words but by your actions that everything is always possible for as long as I am here.

From you I have learnt

-To Put God first and pray especially when things are not working out, and to never  forget what he’s blessed me with.

-Just because I am  angry i don’t have to unleash all my 50 shades of crazy.

-Treat people with respect you never know about tomorrow

-To be Independent as a woman, and to never lose myself because people love me for who I am and not what they think i should be.

-It doesn’t matter how old I am, I should never  be scared to follow my dreams, and be Confident.

-Not to fear trying out something because of rejection in the world, if someone doesn’t want to appreciate or support what I am doing, not to take it to heart, but move on to the next.

-Even when i feel overwhelmed and my world feels like its crumbling down, to never waste my passion and zeal for life no matter the setbacks.

-Aaaand mostly i can't even believe how many times you remind me to stop listening to what people are saying about me especially because i know who i am.

 I havn’t seen what you have, I haven’t been through what you have and with all that you have to deal with you  face life with love, strength and resilience and still don't crack! And have no hate in your heart. That I don’t even understand.

Bora Uzima- Those are your words all the time. For as long as we are in good health that’s already enough for us to know that you can always make things work out.

And always reminding me on Sundays when i skip church, that i shouldn't stay home and miss out on the blessings others are being given.

I will forever love and appreciate you because your love is timeless.

And with that *moon walks out dancing show me de moni* R u gonna dancio if I show u my monie

XO

LOVE

YOUR BELOVED DAUGHTER.